I’m a little sad that this is the last installment of our love story. Although it’s been very difficult at times to share, I’ve enjoyed remembering the goodness and faithfulness of our Heavenly Father. Do you have a love story with Jesus? Please email me if you don’t but would like to know how it’s possible.

Read “Not your ordinary love story” parts 1 – 7 here.

I don’t even remember exactly what I said to Hubby and Princess about my heart change and recommittment to Christ. I think in the beginning I was still processing everything and continued to be more concerned about making things right.

I contacted my closest friends from my “first life” and alot of family to offer my apologies. The most difficult part of this was knowing who to contact. There were hundreds of people that knew me and my first husband, that loved us and prayed for us, especially as we battled infertility. Should I contact every one of them? I just prayed that the Lord would make it clear to me who I should contact and hopefully those that needed to hear it most from me did.

I did eventually talk to my first husband. Hubby was aware that I wanted to do this. I contacted a girlfriend of mine that had been a close friend and mentor to my first husband and I. She called my first husband and told him what happened and let him know I was willing to talk if he wanted to. I think it was that same night that he called. He had some questions and I answered them honestly. This phone call was so difficult because I had hurt him so deeply. I asked forgiveness and said I was sorry probably a hundred times. And then we said goodbye.

That first year I did continue to struggle with my own marriage, my choices and the “what ifs”. Satan taunted me day after day, continuing to remind me of my choices. Even though I had been made clean and whole when I recommitted my life to Christ that day, I was still dealing with much baggage. I knew I had to go on with my new life. My new family. But I wanted so badly to hang on to my old life. My old family. Because that is what I knew best. I didn’t know this person I was married to now. We had completely different values and beliefs. Things were just different. I lost the family of my first husband, three sisters who I loved dearly. A mom and dad who cherished and loved me like I was their own. It was my own selfishness that continued to want to hang on to these things, even when it wasn’t best for my marriage to Hubby.

What Satan meant for evil, God intended for good. And it started with Princess. I would drag her along to church with me. Hubby would come sometimes too but not often. One Sunday we saw an announcement for the church drama team. I love drama and I thought it was the perfect way to get involved in something that I loved but that wasn’t so threatening that I’d have to meet a lot of new people. Princess decided to come with me. We became a part of the drama team, both adults and teens made up this group. Princess made a friend, who continues to be one of her closest friends today. The best thing about this group was that at every meeting the leaders shared from God’s Word and made it clear the reason we were there was to bring glory to Him. That it was all about Jesus.

It would be through the drama team that Princess gave her life to Christ. She didn’t tell anyone but I remember seeing the change in her. She has grown to be an amazing woman of God and He has used her in mighty ways.

Hubby and I continued to battle. About everything. I hated this so bad. Not only did I just hate conflict in general but my first husband and I hardly ever fought. So every fight with Hubby would remind me that I had messed up. It wasn’t a reflection of Hubby either. It was a reflection of me. Satan would remind me and taunt me about my past and how I had rejected God. There were so many triggers that would cause me to wonder if I’d ever be completely healed and free from this torment.

One day I noticed that Hubby had changed. He started coming to church with us more often. Our values and beliefs started to mesh a little better than before. He was more loving and kind (not that he wasn’t loving or kind before, but now he was even more loving and kind). It wasn’t until a year or so later that he shared with me when he gave his life to Christ. You can read about it here.

After a few years of battling the torments and reminders of my past Christ brought complete healing to my heart. It was partially a choice that I eventually had to make. I had to let go of the past. I had to release my first husband and his family. I had to finally understand that things will never go back to what they were.

And God reminded me that He can make things new. He can bring complete healing. He gave me this amazing love for Hubby. This desire to help our marriage grow and be strengthened. God gave me a passion and respect and this deep affection for him that’s hard to put into words. He helped me realize the treasure I have in my two step-kids and my new extended family. And I came to actually be thankful for what I had endured. It allowed me to truly understand what I was (or wasn’t) without Christ. I never wanted to forgot what it was like without Christ in my life.

In June 2005 of God gave me my life verse. We had just lost our foster child O, a little boy we had hoped to adopt. I could sense myself falling into a depression. I was reading God’s word and I found myself at Esphesians 3:14-21. I hadn’t read this scripture for almost 3 years. I purposely skipped over it. This was the scripture that my first husband and I used at our wedding. Even after I recommitted my life to Christ I couldn’t read it because it brought back too much pain.

But God very clearly spoke to me that day. I could sense that I was supposed to read it. And I sensed God saying to me that it was mine to cling to. Even though I change with the wind He does not. His Word is steadfast and true, no matter what I’m dealing with. And these verses were meant for me.

And I really believed it. God put this assurance in my heart that He is able to do immeasurably more than we ask or imagine. That His desire is for us to understand and grasp how wide and high and deep and long is His love. That He would reach down into the deepest, darkest pit and rescue His child. God spoke to my heart that not only is the Word for me but that He wants me to share with others about this great love. I was not to hide anymore because after all, I was a new creation. The old was gone. And there were others that needed to hear about the love of Christ.

It was with this that I felt complete healing. Freedom from the taunting of Satan about my past choices. And then I did start to tell my story. My mom and I started a ministry to women and God has allowed me to share at these events and many other invitations have come to share my story. It’s been amazing and humbling.

At one of these events I shared that I know there are consequences to my sin. I do believe that. There are consequences to the choices we make. Afterwards a woman came up to me and wanted to talk to me. She said the Lord spoke to her a word for me and that she was suppose to tell me that there are consequences no more. I smiled and thanked her but as I walked away I thought, “Ya right. I don’t think that word is for me.” A few months later we heard about Belle.

I have to back up a little. I didn’t share this in my story but my first husband and I almost adopted a little girl. It was during this time that my heart had already left my first husband and I was struggling with knowing what to do. Even though we did have this precious girl with us for 6 months she eventually went back to her birth mom. This all happened in December and so December has always been a difficult month for me.

We heard about Belle on December 7th. On December 17th she was legally able to be adopted. This is the same date as the birth of the little girl my first husband and I almost adopted. On December 21st Belle came home. The same date that my first husband and I came home with the little girl. Maybe it’s coincidence but I sense that God has redeemed those days for me. And now Little Pip is due in December. I so don’t deserve to have December redeemed but God had saw fit to do that and I’m so thankful.

As wonderful as the love story of me and Hubby is, the most important love in all of it is of course the love of Jesus. I’m so thankful that He pursued me. I’m so thankful that He is faithful time and time again when I am not. My prayer is that you know this love of Jesus. The love of Ephesians 3:14-21.

And maybe you haven’t noticed but that’s where I got the name of this blog from. Grasp the Love.

For this reason I kneel before the Father, from whom his whole family in heaven and on earth derives its name. I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Read “Not your ordinary love story parts 1 – 6″ here.

Hubby and Princess didn’t want to go to the music festival with me so I went alone – again, another miracle in and of itself.

B was scheduled to sing pretty early Friday night, actually maybe it was Friday afternoon. I found my friend Nona and Pam and their families and the whole time I was there the feeling of suffocation that would come over me after every nightmare was very evident. I wasn’t exactly sure what I was doing there but I did know that I didn’t belong. I was the outcast. The one that messed up big time. The “strong Christian” that walked away from everything God had ever given her.

Before B sang her mom and dad and other friends and family gathered to pray over her. I was standing there, feeling very awkward when B’s dad Pat said, “Missy come pray with us.”. I acted all calm and cool but on the inside I was dying. I was thinking, NO! Don’t you know who I am? Don’t you know what I’ve done? I’m not worthy to even be here or be your friend, let alone pray with you.

I joined the circle and bowed my head. I didn’t pray but I did cry. I wept through the entire prayer because for the first time in a long time I felt loved. I felt accepted even though I know I didn’t deserve it.

B sang (and did a fabulous job by the way!) and I went home. I don’t remember if anyone invited me but for some reason I was determined to attend the worship service that Sunday. The music festival included a community wide worship service. Almost every church in town cancels their services so everyone can attend together at this music festival. It’s an awesome example of the Body of Christ and I had decided after B’s concert that I wanted to be there.

As I was leaving I ran into my first husband’s sister. He has three sisters and they were my closest friends before I went my own way. We were so close and I loved them dearly. She was there with her husband and was very kind to me. It was the first time I had seen them since the divorce. I of course had a smile plastered on my face and made sure she knew I was the happiest person in the world.

But as I walked away I broke down crying because I saw something in her eyes that broke my heart. I saw pain and hurt. A pain and hurt so deep that it penetrated through her eyes and even though she smiled and was loving and kind it was evident where that pain came from. I had caused that pain. I had caused the hurt that now spoke loudly through her eyes. And it was almost too much for me to bear.

I invited Hubby and Princess to come along with me to the worship service on Sunday of that weekend but they declined my invitation. They probably thought I’d lost my mind. We definitely didn’t spend our Sunday mornings at church.

Again, as I look back I’m surprised I went alone. Although I know it was the Holy Spirit working in my heart and he must have been dragging me something fierce to get me there.

I hadn’t told Nona or Pam I was going to be there but miraculously I found Pam and her family and asked if I could sit with them. I visited with them a little and I remember Pam’s husband Pat said something to me that probably started the flood of tears. He said, “Missy we love you.”. Again, the sense of love and acceptance that I felt was overwhelming. Almost immediately after that I began to weep. During the beginning worship time and during the message I cried. I wasn’t sure why. I didn’t know what I was feeling or experiencing but I just wept and wept. The tears wouldn’t stop and I’m convinced it was God melting my ice cold heart.

After the message an alter call was given. An invitation to get right with God. To commit or re-commit your life to Jesus. I continued to weep, almost uncontrollably at times. The praise band started to play the song “Breathe” and I just stood there crying. I felt arms come around me and it was B, the 14 year old daughter of Pat and Pam. She stood there with me and held me. And then after a few minutes she leaned over and whispered into my ear, “Missy, just let it go”.

It’s as if Jesus himself whispered those words to me. And it was those words that brought me to my knees – literally. I fell to the ground, continuing to weep and cry and I poured out my heart to my Jesus. The God that saved me in 1994 – he was there to welcome me home in 2003. I confessed every thing that I had done the past two years. For the first time I admitted that I had messed up. That I was nothing without Him. I laid my sin and shame and guilt at the foot of the cross.

It was as if someone had literally turned the lights back on. I had been trapped physically and emotionally and spiritually in a deep dark pit and finally I had been rescued. And I felt clean. For the first time in a very long time I felt complete and whole. I was forgiven and I had come home to the loving arms of Jesus.

The worship leader invited anyone to come forward who had accepted Christ or re-dedicated their life to Christ. I went forward, continuing to sob uncontrollably. They led us to the prayer tent where counselors were ready to minister to us. The only thing that I could think of was that I needed to talk to Pastor Bill. Pastor Bill was the Pastor from the church my first husband and I attended and I had been very close with he and his wife. A counselor came up to me and started to talk and I interrupted her and said, “I’m sorry but I need to talk to Pastor Bill.” Thankfully there was someone at the tent who knew Pastor Bill and went to try to find him. There were over 40,000 people at this worship service. And here I was telling these kind counselors that they needed to find Pastor Bill. As I continued to sob. I’m sure they thought I’d lost my mind. They had no idea I had just found it!

I sat there with a counselor for probably 10-15 minutes waiting, praying that they would find him. The counselor kept trying to get me to talk but I didn’t want to talk to anyone but Pastor Bill. Again, God worked a miracle for me and they found Pastor Bill. Poor guy, he didn’t know what to think as I poured out my heart to him and sobbed. I remember I kept saying, “I just want to make things right” over and over and I didn’t know how to do that. Do I leave Hubby and reconcile with my first husband? Would that make things right? I honestly didn’t know but I so desperately wanted to do the right thing.

Pastor Bill prayed with me and gave me wise counsel. Of course it wouldn’t have been the right thing to leave Hubby. We were married now and even though we weren’t married as God would have wanted us to we had still made a covenant to each other. And the right thing was for me to keep that covenant, not make the same mistake I had already made once.

The rest of day I spent finding old friends and sharing my re-commitment with them and apologizing to a lot of people. My mom and dad were at the service that day and I was able to share with them what had happened. My mom had become a believer just a few years before I left my first husband and she had been praying desperately for me through this time. It was awesome to be able to tell them the prodigal daughter had come home.

But I was now married to a “stranger” and had severed relationships with what I knew to be my family and friends. How in the world would I tell Hubby and Princess what had happened?

Read “Not your ordinary love story parts 1 – 5″.

Hubby and I were married December 31st, 2002. As beautiful and wonderful as our wedding was we weren’t prepared for the actual marriage itself. As with most marriages life gets hectic and busy and you start to take each other for granted. Hubby wasn’t able to fulfill this deep longing in my soul – a longing to be loved unconditionally, a longing to feel whole and complete. It has nothing to do with him as a person. My first husband couldn’t fill that void either. There’s only One that can.

I thought I understood this when I accepted Christ as my Savior in October of 1994. I think I probably did but what I didn’t understand was the gravity of my sin. That I was nothing without Christ. Pride had taken over the past few years and I was convinced that there were other things in my life that could make me happy and complete.

Soon after we were married I attended a worship service for the first time in almost two years. My mom had a good friend who attended a wonderful Bible teaching church and she invited me to go and I figured it couldn’t hurt anything. I went without Hubby or Princess. I felt like I was in a fog. I used to be a part of the Body of Christ. I used to serve and minister and reach out to those in need, those that were hurting. Now I was on the other side of the fence and it was heart wrenching.

I cried through most of the service. And felt like the Pastor’s words were spoken directly at me. I felt like I might as well had been up on the stage – everyone probably knew anyway that his message was directed at me. Obviously it wasn’t but the Holy Spirit had begun a work that day in breaking down the wall that I’d built up.

I practically ran out of the service when it was over and vowed never to return.

The nightmares started soon after that. I don’t remember exactly what I dreamt about but I would awaken in the middle of the night sobbing uncontrollably. The burden and weight of sin and guilt and shame was overwhelming and I felt like I was suffocating. And every time, after every nightmare, the thought would come to me: I need to talk to Pastor Brandt. Pastor Brandt was the pastor that spoke that day at the service I attended. I had never met him or even heard of him before that service. I don’t even remember the words he spoke that day but something he said penetrated my heart and continued to remind me that I was lost.

I didn’t go talk to Pastor Brandt. I didn’t talk to anyone, not even Hubby. And the nightmares continued. I felt trapped and lost and hopeless.

Before we were married we talked about having kids and I’m not sure if it was just miscommunication or what but I had the impression Hubby was open to having more kids. After we were married he told me he didn’t really want to have more kids.

This was devastating for me of course. Not that I could get pregnant anyway. I had endured four years of infertility with my first husband but just knowing that Hubby didn’t even want to try was almost too much to bear.

On the outside very few knew the deep pain I was experiencing. I had been promoted at my job and really did love what I did. I was supposedly in a wonderful marriage. But the nightmares continued. The reality that we weren’t going to live “happily every after” made itself known day after day.

When I left my first husband I also left many close friends and family. I was pretty much the most horrible person in the world – not wanting to have anything to do with any of them. Just wanting to live my life the way I wanted to live it.

Even though it must have caused enormous hurt and pain to my friends many of them continued to “hound” me. A few of them would not leave me alone and at the time it was downright annoying! They would call and invite me to events at church or their kids’ activities. It’s not that I didn’t want to be their friend or spend time with them. It was just too painful because when I saw them or spent time with them I saw the choices I had made and the hurt I had caused. But they continued to call. They continued to love me even when I wasn’t willing or even capable of loving them back.

It was now September 2003. The nightmares continued but I never did go see Pastor Brandt. Hubby and I continued to live our life day by day. Some good days, some bad days. Always the thought lingering over us that we had made a mistake.

Our town hosts a big Christian music festival every year over Labor Day weekend. There were two friends of mine in particular that were bound and determined to not let me slip through the cracks. Nona and Pam.

Nona called me the Thursday before Labor day weekend and invited me to the music festival Friday because Pam’s 14 year old daughter B was singing on the main stage. My first husband and I very close to both of these families and so for some reason I actually decided to go. Before this I had rejected every invitation they had given me. I’m not sure why this one was different.

I’m so glad it was though – because it was an invitation and a decision that would change my life forever.