Beloved

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Oh great God give us rest

I could listen to this song over and over.

Oh great God.

Give us rest.

Weekend wrap up

This weekend was the Sportmen’s Show and my parent’s had a booth. They rent out their home as a vacation home, mostly to hunters and fishermen, and so they had a booth to try to drum up some business.

The show was Thursday night, all day Friday, Saturday and Sunday. We spent most of our time there with my parents, or driving back and forth.   We might have spent a little too much time there because I think it was Friday afternoon we came home so we the kids could rest and Angel was really struggling to settle down. She kept crying and crying about all different types of stuff and she finally said, “THE SHOW IS SO BORING!”  Ha! Poor kiddos!

A few other highlights from the weekend were:

Both kids slept all night Thursday night. Yahoo! We are certainly making progress but it doesn’t usually happen that both kids sleep through the night.  And of course Friday and Saturday nights they were up about 40 times. I think it’s time to restock the sleep in your bed all night bribe box!

I worked Saturday and Sunday night. Thankfully it wasn’t too busy so I got alot of studying done. I still don’t feel prepared enough for my exam on Wednesdays. It’s on tissues, bones and joints. But Pat gives me a bad time because I never think I’m prepared and so far I’ve been doing ok on exams.  But still, I get pretty stressed out about. If you think about it, pray for me Tuesday and Wednesday as I prepare for and take my exam!

The kid’s cousins Tony and Krissy took them to an arcade on Saturday. This was a nice little break for Pat and I and so we went home and took a nap. Ha! Such excitement, huh!

I really struggle with making lunch on Sundays. We usually go to the 11:00 service and so by the time we get out of church it’s 12:15 and then everyone is tired and cranky and I usually convince Pat that we need to just go out to eat. We really need to quit doing that and so I actually made some food for lunch on Sunday! When I got home from work on Saturday night (1 am), after I had a snack and watched tv, I put a pork roast in the crock pot on low for bbq sandwiches. It was about 2 am and so I figured it’d be done perfect for lunch. Pat had cooked up some potatoes for me and I was going to make up potato salad Sunday morning.  Simple. Yummy.

Oh, wait. Except we didn’t eat it for lunch. We kinda forgot to move the clocks ahead and so we kinda overslept.  And then my mom said that they would take the kids for a few hours because our life is a crazy mess and she thought we really needed a break. Um, ok. Thanks?  Ha! So instead of eating a yummy lunch me and Pat ate popcorn at the movie and the kids had cotton candy at the sportsmen show.   Before going to work Sunday I did get the potato salad made up and so Hubs and the kids got to enjoy our lunch for supper.

I don’t have too many pictures from our weekend.

The kids at the bear show that was at the Sportsmen’s Show:

And the best picture ever. My dad with the kids at the show on Thursday. Caleb picked out his outfit. He’s one cool dude. (Notice the tie! And cowboy boots – kinda – just like Papa!)

Pumpkin love

Yesterday I willed myself off the couch so we could carve the pumpkins that had been sitting on our porch for two weeks.

Before I show you pictures I need to show you the video from last year that my mom made. I don’t remember if I ever posted it but it’s so funny. I love seeing Caleb mouth words to us like he’s talking. I forgot that he used to do that.  And Angel’s hair was so short!

Thankfully this year, he overcame his pumpkin phobia. (Kinda.)

We had lots of fun listening to both kids ooo and aah over all the slimy stuff they were pulling out of the pumpkins.

Not my best pumpkin pose moment.

Here’s a couple of videos…

We only carved faces in two of the pumpkins and the rest of the went in the trash. I KNOW! After an hour of pumpkin cleaning though, this sick mama would have agreed with just about anything in order to go back to bed.

And the best part – besides seeing my kiddos laugh and have so much fun – pumpkin seeds!

Is it wrong to hate him

I sent Pat this text this morning…

“im so pissed satan wont let up…bsf is at linwood as soon as i sat down i was flooded with guilt n shame n started bawling i hate him”

A friend invited me to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) which meets every Wednesday morning. I was super excited because I had been a part of a small group study that meets in the evenings. However with my new work schedule of working nights, it didn’t work for me to go to that.

BSF is held at Linwood which is the church that my first husband and I attended. It was where the baby girl we almost adopted was dedicated. It was where we were worshipping when I left him.

In the past nine years I’d been back to Linwood a couple times. And did fine. I know that I am forgiven. Although it’s always difficult to see people from the past and wonder what pain you caused, I felt like I had been healed from the burden and pain that was caused by visiting Linwood.

I guess I was wrong.  I’ve been feeling really attacked lately. Unworthy. Worrying about what people think.  But I never imagined this.

This morning at BSF I sat down and all of a sudden memories came flooding back. Along with guilt and shame. A tear dropped and I gave myself a lecture to pull it together. I prayed and asked Jesus to please not let me meltdown. And then I proceeded to meltdown.  BSF hadn’t started yet and my friend wasn’t there yet and so I ran out left.

By the time I got to my van I was an uncontrollable sobbing mess. And so angry. Why would this happen after so much time had passed? Why can’t I be free from the scars that won’t seem to heal?

Pat texted me back…

“give it to God…only he can take it away. He’s already forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself now.”

I decided to go home, turn on some worship music and clean my house. On the way home I sobbed and sobbed (and maybe at one point screamed) as I thought about how much I hate satan.

And God gently whispered in my ear, “Who do you love?”

Oh Jesus I love you. I love that You are victorious. I love that you have rescued me from a pit of despair and hopelessness and agony. Even on days when I’m being attacked and in meltdown mode, You are there. Gently guiding me through, arms wrapped around me tight, reminding me that Your love is as high and as wide and as deep and as long as anything I could ever imagine. And that nothing can separate me from Your love.

I love my husband. I love his patience and his quiet gentle spirit. I love that he always directs me to God.

I love my children. My five amazing, wonderful, so undeserved blessings.

I love my church and my church family. I love the friends that Jesus has blessed me with, even when I’m not a very good friend. I love my job and the encouragement I receive from my co-workers.

I love that Jesus reigns. That He will return one day (soon) and that I will spend eternity in heaven. Rejoicing and singing praises. Never to meltdown again.

And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.   Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.  Ephesians 3:17-21