At church on Sunday I didn’t say “fine” once. You know “the fine syndrome”. When people ask you how you are and you say “fine” even though you are no where close to fine.
I guess it’s not that I’m no where close to being fine. I’m just really tired. And emotional. And lately I’ve been wondering how this is all going to work – having these two little babies and keeping my marriage intact let alone healthy and staying sane.
And so lately I have dreaded going to church. Ironically I work for the church where we worship so it’s probably not good that I dread going there. But everyone asks me how we are doing and I just don’t want to be that fake person I used to be with a smile plastered on my face. But I also don’t want to be a blubbering mess and start crying and look like an idiot.
But I needed to go to church this weekend. I’ve missed it so much. In the past 6 weeks because of either not feeling well or Caleb coming I’ve only been to church once. I’ve missed not only the people and the great fellowship but mainly just being in the house of the Lord. Singing worship music. Hearing a great message from God’s Word.
And I only cried a few times. Person after person would come up to us and ask how I was feeling. I didn’t say “fine” once. I don’t think I even said “good”. There are times during the day when we are fine and good but lately those times have been few and far between. So I said we were “ok” or “tired” or “hanging in there”. I even got real honest with one friend when she said, “Are you just loving this time?” and I said, “I’m trying but no not really”.
It felt so good to be honest and not be so bubbly happy and try to convince people that our life was perfect. Our life is wonderful and we are extremely blessed but it’s not perfect. There are hard days. Some days you just want to throw in the towel. Some days where the smallest thing turns me into a crying mess.
On Saturday night as I rocked Caleb to sleep and Hubby was trying to calm Angel down I just cried and cried and asked Jesus for strength to get us through this. I apologized for being such a crabby wife to my Hubby and so impatient with Angel and asked Him to help me get through each day. I asked Him to help me to be more positive and not so darn emotional. I asked Him to please help me not take these amazing blessings for granted. And oh ya Lord in case I haven’t mentioned it could you please give me strength to get through each day? It was good to have a heart to heart with the Lord and just poor out all my craziness at His feet.
And finally for the first time in a quite awhile I really was fine.
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7