Fine

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At church on Sunday I didn’t say “fine” once. You know “the fine syndrome”. When people ask you how you are and you say “fine” even though you are no where close to fine.

I guess it’s not that I’m no where close to being fine. I’m just really tired. And emotional. And lately I’ve been wondering how this is all going to work – having these two little babies and keeping my marriage intact let alone healthy and staying sane.

And so lately I have dreaded going to church. Ironically I work for the church where we worship so it’s probably not good that I dread going there. But everyone asks me how we are doing and I just don’t want to be that fake person I used to be with a smile plastered on my face. But I also don’t want to be a blubbering mess and start crying and look like an idiot.

But I needed to go to church this weekend. I’ve missed it so much. In the past 6 weeks because of either not feeling well or Caleb coming I’ve only been to church once. I’ve missed not only the people and the great fellowship but mainly just being in the house of the Lord. Singing worship music. Hearing a great message from God’s Word.

And I only cried a few times. Person after person would come up to us and ask how I was feeling. I didn’t say “fine” once. I don’t think I even said “good”. There are times during the day when we are fine and good but lately those times have been few and far between. So I said we were “ok” or “tired” or “hanging in there”. I even got real honest with one friend when she said, “Are you just loving this time?” and I said, “I’m trying but no not really”.

It felt so good to be honest and not be so bubbly happy and try to convince people that our life was perfect. Our life is wonderful and we are extremely blessed but it’s not perfect. There are hard days. Some days you just want to throw in the towel. Some days where the smallest thing turns me into a crying mess.

On Saturday night as I rocked Caleb to sleep and Hubby was trying to calm Angel down I just cried and cried and asked Jesus for strength to get us through this. I apologized for being such a crabby wife to my Hubby and so impatient with Angel and asked Him to help me get through each day. I asked Him to help me to be more positive and not so darn emotional. I asked Him to please help me not take these amazing blessings for granted. And oh ya Lord in case I haven’t mentioned it could you please give me strength to get through each day? It was good to have a heart to heart with the Lord and just poor out all my craziness at His feet.

And finally for the first time in a quite awhile I really was fine.

The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song. Psalm 28:7

missy

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5 thoughts on “Fine

    Jenny said:
    January 20, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    One day at a time, dear. Heck, one hour at a time. Get to lunch. Then get through afternoon naps. Then Hubs comes home and it gets a bit easier. This time of multiple little ones isn’t meant to be a marriage enhancer, I think. You will get through it. You will get through it. You will get through it.

    I’m going to write your name down in a place I can see it a lot to remember to pray for you and your family. Just remember, just as the babies take baby steps, so will you – baby steps to getting the hang of all this. Baby steps to a little more sleep.

    I’ve found anything by Selah helps my mindset in the night or when I’m super tired or super frustrated at a certain young one. It’s calming to my soul.

    I love you and am praying for you. Hang in there.

    Teri said:
    January 20, 2009 at 4:14 pm

    I can’t imagine how rough it must be…and when you get the “fine syndrome” pour out your heart to God (and here!)! I’m slowly starting to see the therapeutic benefits of both! (((HUGS)))

    Dawn Becker said:
    January 20, 2009 at 5:09 pm

    I’m really proud of you for being honest with people. And believe me, your feelings are normal!!! After both my babies I felt completely overwhelmed. And when they would cry, I’d cry right along with them. Be aware that your hormones are doing crazy things right now and remember that you just brought another human being into the world, knit together by God Himself within your womb!!! You’re allowed to be emotional and your “darn” emotions are okay. I also couldn’t comprehend how to go from one little one to two and day by day it IS getting easier. We’re all adjusting to each other and finding a routine. I will pray for you as you all figure out your new life together!

    Would you email me your mailing address? I have a little gift for Pip. Hang in there, Missy! His strength is perfect in our weakness.

    Heather said:
    January 21, 2009 at 8:35 am

    Just remember, this too shall pass! Not that you want this time to fly by because you do want to enjoy it as much as you can, but there will be a time when you look back on this and these feelings of “overwhelmtion” will be a distant memory. And it is okay to be emotional! This coming from somone who is very emotional 🙂 Sometimes you just need a good cry. Missy, you will get through this. And always remember, you are a great mother, wife, and friend to many people… and most of all, you are His treasure!

    jen said:
    January 23, 2009 at 2:06 pm

    As I was reading this I was thinking, “Oh, I would have asked how she was doing – not because I wanted to hear,’fine,” but because I remember being there…young kids, no sleep, wanting to savor, yet wishing each minute away.” I totally get it. Once I heard someone (have no idea who) say that when you have young children the days go really slowly, but the years go by really fast. So true. I will be praying for you over the next days that you will find joy in all that you are doing, that Belle and Pip would cooperate and allow you sleep and rest. You are in a tough season, and it is okay to not be fine. I hope you got some good hugs while you were at church!

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