I feel like I need to write something profound. Something deep and spiritual. Something about how God is teaching me and stretching me. Something about life lessons and blessings and thankfulness.
Unfortunately I don’t have anything profound to say about those things. I don’t have anything profound to say about anything really. I’m just kinda here. Day in, day out. Putting one foot in front of the other.
I am profoundly overwhelmed lately by this role of motherhood. I feel sometimes that I can’t even be honest and share my frustrations. Because how dare I feel frustrated with my two miracle babies when there are so many who don’t have their babies to hold. How dare I be so frustrated and count the minutes until I drop the kids off at Grandma Barb’s and go to work? Work is my relief and I am a complete mom failure to feel that way. Maybe it’s because I’m at a loss most days of what a mom is suppose to do. Something crafty. Something fun. But what? My mind seems to go blank and I’m left empty-handed with a 1-year old and 2-year old.
I am profoundly frustrated with the way I handle situations. Especially with Angel. Are her meltdowns just a reaction to me? Because I’m so critical? Because I’m so anal about how things are done? Because I’m so impatient? I wonder if I handle her meltdowns correctly. I wonder why she seems to have them so much more often with me than with anyone else. I wonder why she doesn’t sleep and why she wakes up so upset in the middle of the night. Is it schedule? Teeth? Is she diabetic? Is it her background? Is it attachment issues? Is she just a strong willed two-year old? I wonder how she can function with so little sleep when I can hardly see straight.
I think it’s profoundly confusing how one minute I am ready to explode and want to hide away under the covers. We rush out the door, not getting to Grandma’s fast enough. And then the next minute, I give hugs and kisses and linger just another minute longer, my heart slowly breaking. One more hug and kiss. And just one more. I drive away and the tears come and I wonder what I’m doing. Why am I not taking care of my kids? What will I miss today?
So nothing profound today. Just real life. One foot in front of the other. Praying, “Jesus help me, teach me, use me, speak through me, change me” every step of the way.