Every once in awhile the dreams still come. Nightmares really, memories of the past. I awake and the feeling of sorrow overtakes me every time. Not sorrow for what was lost but sorrow for the people I hurt. Sorrow for the Jesus I walked away from. Sorrow for the scars that seem to continue to inflict pain. Sorrow for feeling like I’ll never be completely healed.
And yet I am.
It’s a confusing journey. I am whole. Forgiven and healed. I know that Jesus loves me and that He has brought restoration.
“And I will restore or replace for you the years that the locust has eaten…” Joel 2:25
“…he will give a crown of beauty for ashes, a joyous blessing instead of mourning, festive praise instead of despair.” Isaiah 61:3
But at the same time the memories and dreams come. We fight and argue and hurt each other and Satan uses it to remind me of the choices I made. Of the people I hurt.
Through it though I cling to the promises of His Word. Because it’s only through His Word that I can be the wife that God wants me to be. That I can let the past be the past. That I can walk forward and keep my eyes on the Hope of the Cross and the love the Father has given us.
The miracle of our love and our marriage. The closeness we share. Eight years later. So many years of heartache and questions and hurt and regret.
But not anymore. There’s only restoration. Only the excitement of what today will bring. The anticipation of the day being over and the kids in bed and then our time. The wondering of what adventure God will lead us on tomorrow. Only the hope of helping other couples find passion and hope and healing. For it’s through Christ alone that all things are possible. Even for marriages “destined” to fail.
Every. single. day. I am thankful for restoration. And I am so thankful for my husband and his love. And for the love of my Jesus.