I sent Pat this text this morning…
“im so pissed satan wont let up…bsf is at linwood as soon as i sat down i was flooded with guilt n shame n started bawling i hate him”
A friend invited me to BSF (Bible Study Fellowship) which meets every Wednesday morning. I was super excited because I had been a part of a small group study that meets in the evenings. However with my new work schedule of working nights, it didn’t work for me to go to that.
BSF is held at Linwood which is the church that my first husband and I attended. It was where the baby girl we almost adopted was dedicated. It was where we were worshipping when I left him.
In the past nine years I’d been back to Linwood a couple times. And did fine. I know that I am forgiven. Although it’s always difficult to see people from the past and wonder what pain you caused, I felt like I had been healed from the burden and pain that was caused by visiting Linwood.
I guess I was wrong. I’ve been feeling really attacked lately. Unworthy. Worrying about what people think. But I never imagined this.
This morning at BSF I sat down and all of a sudden memories came flooding back. Along with guilt and shame. A tear dropped and I gave myself a lecture to pull it together. I prayed and asked Jesus to please not let me meltdown. And then I proceeded to meltdown. BSF hadn’t started yet and my friend wasn’t there yet and so I
ran out left.
By the time I got to my van I was an uncontrollable sobbing mess. And so angry. Why would this happen after so much time had passed? Why can’t I be free from the scars that won’t seem to heal?
Pat texted me back…
“give it to God…only he can take it away. He’s already forgiven you. You need to forgive yourself now.”
I decided to go home, turn on some worship music and clean my house. On the way home I sobbed and sobbed (and maybe at one point screamed) as I thought about how much I hate satan.
And God gently whispered in my ear, “Who do you love?”
Oh Jesus I love you. I love that You are victorious. I love that you have rescued me from a pit of despair and hopelessness and agony. Even on days when I’m being attacked and in meltdown mode, You are there. Gently guiding me through, arms wrapped around me tight, reminding me that Your love is as high and as wide and as deep and as long as anything I could ever imagine. And that nothing can separate me from Your love.
I love my husband. I love his patience and his quiet gentle spirit. I love that he always directs me to God.
I love my children. My five amazing, wonderful, so undeserved blessings.
I love my church and my church family. I love the friends that Jesus has blessed me with, even when I’m not a very good friend. I love my job and the encouragement I receive from my co-workers.
I love that Jesus reigns. That He will return one day (soon) and that I will spend eternity in heaven. Rejoicing and singing praises. Never to meltdown again.
And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the Lord’s holy people, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:17-21