Day: May 18, 2011

The post I’d rather not write

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I’ve talked about and tried to be honest about struggling with being home with the kids and how it’s the hardest job I’ve ever done.

I’ve talked about and tried to be honest about my feelings of being an inadequate wife and mom, my lack of patience and abundance of overwhelmtion.

I’ve talked about and tried to be honest about feeling like a complete crazy woman.

And so even though all I really have is questions and doubt thus far, I sense that I need to talk about and be honest about some things I’ve been dealing with.

I’ve come to realize that all these things I’ve been dealing with and feeling, the complete overwhelmtion, aren’t those of a “normal” tired-overwhelmed mom of two toddlers. Every morning I have my devotion and right now the theme is hope. I read the scriptures and I do believe the promises that God is our hope and refuge and all we need, but still I feel so gray. So sad. So blah.

It actually all started after Caleb was born. I think I went through some major postpartum depression but me being the perfectionist and independent doofus that I am, I just made myself get through it. But I don’t know that I ever dealt with some of what I went through.

It’s continued to be an issue the last 2 years. Especially for about two weeks out of every month. I turn into crazy woman.

  • feelings of deep sadness or despair
  • feelings of tension or anxiety
  • increased sensitivity to rejection or criticism
  • panic attacks
  • mood swings, crying
  • lasting irritability or anger, increased interpersonal conflicts; typically sufferers are unaware of the impact they have on those close to them
  • apathy or disinterest in daily activities and relationships
  • difficulty concentrating
  • fatigue
  • food cravings or binge eating
  • insomnia or hypersomnia; sleeping more than usual, or (in a smaller group of sufferers) being unable to sleep
  • feeling overwhelmed or feelings of being out of control
  • increase or decrease in sex drive
  • increased need for emotional closeness
  • breast tenderness or swelling, heart palpitations, headaches, joint or muscle pain, swollen face and nose
  • an altered view of one’s body – a sensation of ‘bloating’, feeling fat or actual weight gain

Check. Check. Check. Check. Check.

It’s actually kinda scary how many of these symptoms I have.  And at times some of them pretty severe.  The above are the symptoms for PMDD – Premenstrual dysphoric disorder.

It’s gotten worse the past few months and I finally realized I needed to get help. Unfortunately because of my new job I needed to get a new doctor with my insurance. So on my first visit to my new doctor I told her about what was going on and that I thought I was pre-menopausal (I hadn’t heard of PMDD at that point). I didn’t have most of the pre-menopausal symptoms and so she chalked it up to having 2 toddlers and not getting much sleep.

But still, I felt deep down, that I’m just not myself. Especially for those 2 weeks out of the month. So one day last week when I was at a really low point, I called my doctor’s nurse and explained again what I was feeling and that I needed to get help.  That I am not coping and am a complete mess.

My doctor wasn’t able to get me in for another month. But the nurse talked to the doctor and I talked to the nurse and the nurse talked to the doctor again (and really we could have saved all this time on calls and just seen me in the office).  The nurse called back the last time and said the doctor does want me to come in but since it’s a month out she can prescribe me a low dose anti-anxiety medication.  Based on my symptoms it sounded like PMDD and the prescription is used specifically for that (Zoloft).

Panic! Anti-depressant! Ahhh! I’m a Christian. I love Jesus and have the joy of the Lord. He has rescued me from so much pain and heartache.  WHY DO I NEED AN ANTIDEPRESSANT?

Even though I agreed and got my prescription that day, I’m still confused about the whole thing.  I know God can make this all go away like that. But I also know He’s given us doctors to help us through things.  But I also know that He is my hope and healing and I wonder why I can’t just release this all to Him and He take it away?  So the jury is still out.  I just want to be happy. I don’t want to be so sad. I don’t want to get so angry at my kids or Pat. I don’t want to feel like hiding my head under the covers all day. I love the Lord. I’m so thankful for the amazing blessings he’s given me. I pray and read my Bible and still this cloud of dread hangs over me.

But it is what it is.  And I have a sense of peace that maybe I can finally get some answers.  And that I don’t have to live with this for the rest of my life.  My appointment isn’t until June 15th and so for now I’m doing alot of research and reading on both Zoloft and hormone replacements. There’s some family history that might prevent me from hormone replacements. I know there’s alot of natural remedies. I know exercise and healthy eating are supposed to help but that doesn’t seem to help me a whole lot. (Ya! I’ve been running again for the past 2 weeks.)

For now I just ask for your prayers. That I would do what is the best thing to help me feel healthy and like a normal person.  I’m a little upset/frustrated because I can’t see my “regular” doctor (because of my new insurance). He’s been my doctor for 15 years, he loves the Lord and I completely trust him. I might just end up calling him and pay the extra.

I also wanted to share because hopefully this can be an encouragement to you if you are struggling with some of the same things. Don’t be silent. Get some help. Call your doctor. Call a friend. Reach out. I’m not a proponent of antidepressants. I’m not sure what I’m a proponent of at this early stage of the game. But I do know that there is help and it’s ok to ask for it.

I’m so thankful for an amazingly patient husband and two forgiving precious kiddos. And for a heavenly Father who is faithful and holds me strong. It’s through Him alone that I find my refuge and help. I will lean on Him forever.