Chaos theory

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Have you seen the movie Chaos Theory?  It’s about a guy that’s a freak about planning, organizing and being in control. And then he loses control and freaks out?

That’s me.

Except I’m not a guy.

I hate chaos. I hate conflict. I always have. As a child I remember the feeling of dread and despair that came over me when my parents would fight. Sure they had some rough years but it wasn’t even bad fighting and it was never in front of us. But still it almost sent me over the edge.

And it seems that instead of dealing with conflict and chaos head on, I run from it. Or freak out.

Fast forward a few years, lots of prayers to be a mama, and I have two toddlers. Talk about chaos and conflict. When I was working fulltime I was handling it ok. After all I was only with them about 5 hours out of the day. But since I’ve been home with them I’ve kinda started to freak out. Major chaos. Major conflict. I don’t like it. I want to run. It freaks me out. SENDS. ME. OVER. THE. EDGE.

Thus this post.

The past three months I’ve been able to deal with the conflict and chaos. I haven’t been on the couch pretending to engage with my kids. I’ve been pretty steady. But I’ve felt almost too steady. No ups and downs. Just even steven.   I hadn’t realized it until a friend mentioned it, but I haven’t cried in three months. I’ve turned into robot mommy. And honestly I don’t like that.  I realize the alternative wasn’t good either. But I feel strong enough now (probably thanks to the little blue pill) to admit that when I look deep down in my heart and soul, that the little blue pill might not be my answer. It’s not wrong. It’s not right. It’s not black and white.  But I’m pretty sure it’s not for me.

So I’ve made an appointment with a hormone specialist.  I’ve been weaning myself off the zoloft. I’ve had some great lunches encouragement counseling sessions with friends and my mom. I’ve talked to a friend who has used alot of homeopathic remedies. I’m going to make an appointment with a counselor to really make sure I’ve dealt with all the crud from my past.  I’m going to keep running, but not from stuff.  While I have some issues to deal with, I know I’m not depressed and so I know there are other things out there (the Lord, friends, family, counseling, better eating, exercise) to help me through.  Thanks to the encouragement of a friend I’ve started journaling again. I know you think I share everything on my blog. Um, no. Lots of other stuff going on in this head of mine and alot of it needs to stay between me and the Lord.

For today I’m going to keep reminding myself that sometimes life is hard but God is good. A bad day isn’t a failed day or a failed life. The past doesn’t define me. Jesus is Savior and He is my Hope and Joy.  God has called me, prepared me, allowed me, blessed me and equipped me to be a mom.  He has. And I’m starting to believe it.  And I’ll continue to remind myself that each day is a gift that I don’t want to waste.

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.  Isaiah 26:3-4

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One thought on “Chaos theory

    sincerelyanna said:
    August 9, 2011 at 9:13 am

    Sounds like you’re processing a lot so I’ll be sure to pray! That last paragraph makes me want to shout AMEN! Those words are for me, my friend!

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