The one where I take back my words

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An update.

Do you remember awhile back when I said, “While I have some issues to deal with, I know I’m not depressed and so I know there are other things out there (the Lord, friends, family, counseling, better eating, exercise) to help me through.”

No?

Good, because I didn’t really mean it.

Well ok, I did mean it at the time.  And I still believe there are “other things” out there to help me.  But I have a tendency to get excited about things after trying it for like 4.6 seconds and at the time I was feeling pretty good (possibly because my brain had leveled out since being on my happy pills. duh.) and so I might have been a wee bit premature in declaring all health and happiness.

Here’s the truth of the matter. I don’t know if I’m dealing with depression.  But I do know that after going off my happy pills I was heading down that slippery slope again of being in a really dark place.

Yes, eating gluten-free has helped me feel better. And I’m still gluten-free about 80% of the time and when I don’t eat gluten-free I feel like crud.  Yes, I’m exercising regularly. Yes, I tried other “remedies” like the Sam-E (made me sick) and other natural things.  Yes, I was consistent in having quiet time every morning.  Yes, I prayed and prayed and prayed for God to “fix” me.

But even with the gluten-free and other things there was still no consistency to my state of emotions.  So when I weaned myself off my medication I’d have a good week and then I’d have a bad week. I’d have a good day and then I’d have a bad day. Slowly I started turning back into that person who snapped way too often at her kids for no good reason, was crabby more than I was happy, was angry at anything and everything, and had more ups and downs in my emotions than I care to even talk about. Snap, snap, snap.  And with what seemed like no control over any of it. Ug.

So despite that fact that I don’t like being on an anti-depressant and many people view it negatively, I started taking it again in November. Through this whole process God has helped me be ok with being on them and stop caring about what anyone might think. What I care about is being able to take care of my kids. Being able to smile at them and laugh with them, to kiss and hug them. Being able to be a wife who encourages and supports her husband.  And I’ve finally, FINALLY, come to peace that God is using this little pill to bring healing.

If you’re going through some of the same struggles I just want to encourage you that you are not alone.  And I’m so thankful, that no matter what, whether I need that pill or not, that this is true.

For today I’m going to keep reminding myself that sometimes life is hard but God is good. A bad day isn’t a failed day or a failed life. The past doesn’t define me. Jesus is Savior and He is my Hope and Joy.  God has called me, prepared me, allowed me, blessed me and equipped me to be a mom.  He has. And I’m starting to believe it.  And I’ll continue to remind myself that each day is a gift that I don’t want to waste.

You will keep in perfect peace those whose minds are steadfast, because they trust in you. Trust in the Lord forever, for the Lord, the Lord, is the Rock eternal.  Isaiah 26:3-4″

(From Chaos Theory post.)

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