Xanax Conversations

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Originally posted March 25th, 2009.

Edited to change “Zantax” to “Xanax”. No my Hubby did not get high off anti-acid medication.

I would first of all like to say that Hubby has given me permission to share these very intimate details of our life.  However I cannot confirm nor deny whether or not he was still high on Xanax when he gave me permission.

Y’all probably know by now that after a gazillion years of trying to pregnant we finally did get pregnant when we were praying that we wouldn’t get pregnant.  Along with great joy Caleb also brought something else into our lives: the need to think about birth control.  After talking through our different options one day Hubby suggested that he get a special procedure done that would prevent any more babies from showing up. And being the smarty pants that he is he suggested it on a day when I was still home with the babies, having a very bad day, ready to lose my mind and crying out to the Lord asking Him why in the world He would think it a good idea to give this crazy woman not one but two babies.

So I said yes that sounds like a wonderful idea, you go get yourself fixed Hubby.

Last Friday was the day. Ironically it was the same day exactly one year ago that we conceived Bubba. Yes I keep track of these things. And yes that was too much information.

Hubby had been given a happy pill, aka Xanax, to take right before the procedure. The procedure was at 4:00 and so at 3:30 he popped the pill and we headed out to drop off the kids at our friend’s house. This friend is the one that usually watches the kids on Thursday and Fridays and I tell her pretty much everything. I guess kinda like I do on this blog. We were talking about the procedure and Hubby was complaining and she mentioned the fact that we had to endure childbirth and this was nothing compared to that.

So when we got in the car Hubby was already a little loopy – why was he driving might I ask? – and started ranting about the fact that we always throw the childbirth card in guys’ faces. This is Hubby having a conversation with himself, driving, while high on Xanax:

Hubby: Ya know it’s not right for women to always say that to men like our pain doesn’t matter.

Hubby: Honey, I just broke my leg.

Hubby pretending to be me: Well I went through child birth so suck it up.

Hubby: Honey, I just cut my arm off with a band saw.

Hubby pretending to be me: Well I went through child birth so suck it up.

Hubby: Honey, I just had an aneurysm.

Hubby pretending to be me: Well I went through child birth so suck it up.

Ok, I guess you had to be there.

It was kinda bittersweet as we drove to the doctor. I asked Hubby if he was still 100% sure he wanted to do this. He said yes but that he was having mixed feelings about never conceiving a child again. I was actually very sad but then reminded Hubby that we could adopt again. And he said, “yes we could.” You heard it here folks. You’ll need to stand behind me when I want to adopt in a year or two and Hubby says no.

We got to the doctor and by this time Hubby could barely walk. Well he could walk but he was walking like he was high. Which he was, so that makes sense.  Thankfully we didn’t have to wait too long. They call his name and even though I didn’t want to he made me come with into the exam room. He threw the child birth card at me saying, “I watched you endure child birth, this is the least you could do.” Ya ok Hubby, you’re higher then a kite and won’t even know if I’m there or not but I’ll come hold your hand.

Hubby had to undress, sit up on the table and cover himself with the small paper thin scratchy covering thing they call a drape. Let me just say that I was very happy to have come along at this point. All the years of having to cover myself with the small paper thin scratchy covering thing they call a drape were worth it to see my hubby experience it.

And then he ripped it in half. And I couldn’t stop laughing. And he almost starting crying because he was so high and didn’t know what to do.  He was kinda starting to freak out about the whole getting fixed thing and so I started to ask him questions about his last doctor appointment. Since he turned the big 4-0 he got to have a very thorough physical.

Me: Hubby when you had your physical did you have to get naked and sit on the table.

Hubby: Yep

Me: Was it awkward.

Hubby: Only when he said, “turn around and put your elbows on the table.”

Me: Eeeww. Really, you had to do that?

Hubby: Yep. He had to check my prostrate.

Me: You mean your prostate?

Hubby: That’s what I said, my prostrate.

And then thank goodness the doctor came in because I thought I was going to pee my pants from laughing at my drug induced Hubby.

The procedure was quick and painless – at least for me. There was kind of a scary point when the doctor was doing whatever he was doing and Hubby suddenly yelped like he’d been shot and practically jumped off the table. Oh my goodness you should have seen the look on the doctor’s face. Probably because he had a scalpel… well you know. Turns out the Novocaine or whatever they use wasn’t working on Hubby and he felt almost everything.

Well I went through child birth Hubby, so suck it up.



7 thoughts on “Xanax Conversations

    Dawn Becker said:
    March 25, 2009 at 7:11 am

    My. Word. Hilarious! Thanks for a good belly laugh this morning and your poor hubby’s expense!

    I’m with ya – I’ve played the “I gave birth, suck it up” card!

    How are your kiddos? Feeling better?

      Missy said:
      March 25, 2009 at 8:25 am

      Babies are doing better. Belle still a little cough but she’s more like her happy self so that’s good.

    Jenny said:
    March 25, 2009 at 7:13 am

    You know, I kind of figured that’s what happened to Hubby. Way to suck it up and be a man, P! Funny funny funny!

    (although, and I almost feel bad for telling you this, and it’s only because I’m a spelling/grammer/proper word useage NERD…I think it’s Xanax, not Zantax – I think that’s an antacid/ulcer medication. And I love me some Xanax! And, ok, now I feel bad. But I’m a NERD, I tell you. N E R D. Don’t hate me)

      Missy said:
      March 25, 2009 at 8:24 am

      LOL! Oh my goodness that’s so funny. Do I change my post now or just leave it? I’m not sure! 🙂

    Princess said:
    March 26, 2009 at 6:32 am

    higher than a kite huh? hahaha

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