Feelings from a funeral

Posted on Updated on

I know it’s probably majorly depressing for me to talk about losing Mom and Dad and all that goes with it. So I apologize in advance because this one is not only depressing but honestly, I’m ashamed to even write about it. But this is also my journal and so I think it’s important for me to be open. And just maybe there will be one or two others who are struggling that can relate and know that they are not alone.

I attended a funeral on Friday. It was for four members of a family. That’s right, four. A dad, a mom, 16-year old daughter and 13-year old son, all killed in a car accident. Left behind was their eldest daughter who was away at college.

I wanted to go to somehow show my support for this precious girl. I feel that in some small way, a very small way, I can relate to her grief and pain. She doesn’t know me but I left a card and my phone number and a promise for prayer and a shoulder to cry on.

As I walked up to where the funeral was I saw the four hearses. Oh my word. Lord, help this family in their grief. I had to concentrate on each step I took because I just wanted to leave. I wanted to run away and go curl up under the covers and beg Jesus to come take us home now.

I didn’t expect to see four bodies in four coffins. I’m not sure why but I was taken aback when I walked in, seeing the four coffins there. Seeing their peaceful beautiful faces. I wanted to linger. In fact I wanted to go up to this loving Mom and Dad and touch their hands and hug them and tell them goodbye. But I walked quickly past, barely glancing at them, shutting off my emotions so that I wouldn’t cry.

I found a seat in the back row and stared straight ahead telling myself not to even go there. Don’t go to that place of jealousy. I shut my heart off to feeling anything. And then it got to be too much. When I was about to explode and the pastor said something about how death was so great, I walked out.

Jealousy? Where did that come from?

It came from my selfish heart. Because when I left and walked the mile back to my car, walking past the four hearses, I did start to cry. I started to cry out to God and ask Him why this world sucks so bad. I screamed to Him. And I asked Him why couldn’t we have seen them? Just one last time? Would that have been so hard for Him to give to us? Why didn’t we question it more? Why didn’t we sense something was wrong Saturday night or Sunday when we couldn’t get in touch with them. Why didn’t He prompt us to know?

How was it possible that I was jealous of this sweet girl who just lost her entire family? But I was. I was jealous because she got to see her parents one more time. I know it’s ridiculous. And I know that if we would have gotten to see Mom and Dad one last time, there would probably be something else I was mad about.

So I had a temper tantrum in the car. And then I went and got groceries and pretended that life was good and that I didn’t feel so alone and afraid.  Except that I bought eight packages of cookies and pizza and coke for lunch and oh ya, I’ll start my diet tomorrow.

I talked to Pastor Bill later that day and he read scripture to me. From Deuteronomy 33:12, “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”

And so the roller coast continues. As time goes by it’s changing. It’s more like white water rafting. The entire journey is bumpy and you’re bound to get a little wet. But there is so much beauty along the way and so much to enjoy and be thankful for. And then every once in awhile the falls come and you have a choice to make. You can trust your Guide and know that he will see you over the falls, or you can fret and fear and worry and clench your fists and say, “I think there’s a better way through!”

I know that God can handle my anger and my honesty. And I’m thankful that He has been drawing me nearer and nearer to Him since June 12th, so that I can cry out to Him. I think I’m getting better at trusting Him. I still clench my fists and fret and fear and after I spew out all my anger I usually say, “but ok Lord, I will trust, even though I don’t want to.”

And maybe that’s ok. And maybe I won’t go to any more funerals.

“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”

signature

Advertisements

11 thoughts on “Feelings from a funeral

    Bonnie said:
    March 2, 2013 at 6:26 pm

    And “maybe” you will…because you will go where He leads in honesty, not pretending you feel something you don’t or that you don’t feel something you
    do, but because if He calls you will follow. Love you!

      Missy responded:
      March 2, 2013 at 6:55 pm

      I cant stop smiling at this comment friend. Love you.

      Judy Budd said:
      March 2, 2013 at 7:56 pm

      Missy, I wish there were words to express how truly proud I know your folks are of you. You may not think you are strong enough or handling it all correctly but you are.There just is a process that we have to go through there is no way around it. God has given you, talent, a servants heart and such a love for Him.Your like your mom so talented. You going to that funeral shows your servants heart, that you wanted to help others that are going through something simular. It was a different situation but also totally the same. The jealousy is also part of the process. You will do what you can when you can. He will lead you through when it is comfortable for you. Its so hard and you think its never going to get better but it does. Time and Jesus are the key. Know how much you and your family are loved sweetie.
      Love you Judy

    Cheryl Loban said:
    March 2, 2013 at 6:39 pm

    Missy, my heart breaks for you. It was 5 years ago this week that we buried my Mom. I had those last moments with her and know she went home in peace. Same with my Dad and with my brother. I lost them years apart, so I had time to grieve for each one separately, and make peace with God for taking them. Knowing that each of them held their hands and hearts out to Him when He did made it easier to make that peace. I can understand your jealousy, because I know I’d feel the same way if I hadn’t gotten those last hours and moments to say goodbye, to tell them it was okay to go be with God if they were ready.
    For you to attend that funeral at all to offer support in your own grief shows your strength of charactor, and the strength of your faith. You are such an inspiration to me, as I know you are to many others. You are in my prayers daily.

      Missy responded:
      March 2, 2013 at 6:56 pm

      Thank you Cheryl. Your words mean so much 🙂

    Roberta Clemens said:
    March 3, 2013 at 12:30 pm

    Missy, it is alright to be angry, it is alright to throw a temper tantrum, feelings are and God understands. I remember a night I went out my door and into the yard and I screamed at God . Why? Why? Why? You are hurting and God knows and hurts with you. Love and Prayers !

      Missy responded:
      March 3, 2013 at 11:21 pm

      Thanks Roberta. : )

    Sarah said:
    March 3, 2013 at 4:07 pm

    Missy,
    Love your transparency. You’re sharing your heart and what is real – never did Jesus say that being a Christian was easy, only that he would be with us! I want to encourage you with something Pastor Bill told me a few years ago when my brother was going through his divorce. I was getting caught up in the “if only”, “what if”, “I should have”, etc. and Pastor Bill said that those kind of thoughts are exactly what Satan wants us to wallow in…he wants us to look backwards, review our faults, our mistakes, and to live in the past. Instead, we need to look to the future, to hope, to where Christ is – I’m not saying that you should be walking around forgetting about what has happened. Please don’t misinterpret my thoughts to mean that. I simply want to encourage you to always keep your eye on the prize that is Christ Jesus. I am so thankful that your parents were believers and you know you will be reunited again. Keep processing your hurt – your continued dialogue with God is valued and encouraged by him. He is there, holding you with open arms. Are we ever ready to lose someone we love? I don’t think so. But, we need to be ready each and every day to love as if we may lose someone at any time. Stay the course, friend.

      Missy responded:
      March 3, 2013 at 11:24 pm

      Great thoughts. It’s kind of interesting because I’ve always struggled with this BIG time in regards to my past. But as soon as Mom and Dad died, it was like that was immediately gone. I always believed in God’s Word and promises but for some reasons so much of my past still haunted me. And I know I have to be careful to not allow my heart to turn cold and start doing the same thing as it relates to Mom and Dad. Thanks for your honest and loving encouragement friend.

    sincerelyanna said:
    March 3, 2013 at 10:33 pm

    So hard. Praying for you.

      Missy responded:
      March 3, 2013 at 11:25 pm

      Thanks Anna. Your prayers mean so much.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s