I know it’s probably majorly depressing for me to talk about losing Mom and Dad and all that goes with it. So I apologize in advance because this one is not only depressing but honestly, I’m ashamed to even write about it. But this is also my journal and so I think it’s important for me to be open. And just maybe there will be one or two others who are struggling that can relate and know that they are not alone.
I attended a funeral on Friday. It was for four members of a family. That’s right, four. A dad, a mom, 16-year old daughter and 13-year old son, all killed in a car accident. Left behind was their eldest daughter who was away at college.
I wanted to go to somehow show my support for this precious girl. I feel that in some small way, a very small way, I can relate to her grief and pain. She doesn’t know me but I left a card and my phone number and a promise for prayer and a shoulder to cry on.
As I walked up to where the funeral was I saw the four hearses. Oh my word. Lord, help this family in their grief. I had to concentrate on each step I took because I just wanted to leave. I wanted to run away and go curl up under the covers and beg Jesus to come take us home now.
I didn’t expect to see four bodies in four coffins. I’m not sure why but I was taken aback when I walked in, seeing the four coffins there. Seeing their peaceful beautiful faces. I wanted to linger. In fact I wanted to go up to this loving Mom and Dad and touch their hands and hug them and tell them goodbye. But I walked quickly past, barely glancing at them, shutting off my emotions so that I wouldn’t cry.
I found a seat in the back row and stared straight ahead telling myself not to even go there. Don’t go to that place of jealousy. I shut my heart off to feeling anything. And then it got to be too much. When I was about to explode and the pastor said something about how death was so great, I walked out.
Jealousy? Where did that come from?
It came from my selfish heart. Because when I left and walked the mile back to my car, walking past the four hearses, I did start to cry. I started to cry out to God and ask Him why this world sucks so bad. I screamed to Him. And I asked Him why couldn’t we have seen them? Just one last time? Would that have been so hard for Him to give to us? Why didn’t we question it more? Why didn’t we sense something was wrong Saturday night or Sunday when we couldn’t get in touch with them. Why didn’t He prompt us to know?
How was it possible that I was jealous of this sweet girl who just lost her entire family? But I was. I was jealous because she got to see her parents one more time. I know it’s ridiculous. And I know that if we would have gotten to see Mom and Dad one last time, there would probably be something else I was mad about.
So I had a temper tantrum in the car. And then I went and got groceries and pretended that life was good and that I didn’t feel so alone and afraid. Except that I bought eight packages of cookies and pizza and coke for lunch and oh ya, I’ll start my diet tomorrow.
I talked to Pastor Bill later that day and he read scripture to me. From Deuteronomy 33:12, “Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”
And so the roller coast continues. As time goes by it’s changing. It’s more like white water rafting. The entire journey is bumpy and you’re bound to get a little wet. But there is so much beauty along the way and so much to enjoy and be thankful for. And then every once in awhile the falls come and you have a choice to make. You can trust your Guide and know that he will see you over the falls, or you can fret and fear and worry and clench your fists and say, “I think there’s a better way through!”
I know that God can handle my anger and my honesty. And I’m thankful that He has been drawing me nearer and nearer to Him since June 12th, so that I can cry out to Him. I think I’m getting better at trusting Him. I still clench my fists and fret and fear and after I spew out all my anger I usually say, “but ok Lord, I will trust, even though I don’t want to.”
And maybe that’s ok. And maybe I won’t go to any more funerals.
“Let the beloved of the Lord rest secure in him, for he shields him all day long, and the one the Lord loves rests between his shoulders.”