Day: May 5, 2013

Where is Bozeman?

Posted on Updated on

I thought God was calling me to something. I was positive. I shared with very few people that I had applied for a job at our church and those that I did were encouraging and seemed to confirm this calling. Everywhere I looked it seemed to point to the right timing for me and this position. I was ready. Pat and the kids were ready. Let’s go!

But I was wrong.

I’m angry. I’m sad. I’m embarrassed. What was I thinking?? For the past 8 weeks I’ve prayed and prayed and prayed and I always had peace. When I started to doubt God would say to me, “I have called you…”

Turns out it wasn’t this position He was calling me to.

And I wonder why He won’t use me. Is it because He can’t use me? Because He knows I’ll screw up? Because of my past?

{I know. Lies.}

A few days before I found out that God was not calling me to this new thing, I emailed a previous supervisor who has been a mentor to me, and asked for prayer. He shared this story:

“I waited in a holding pattern for over an hour flying into Kalispell once (they were experiencing a winter inversion.) There’s where I figured I needed to be. Eventually we had to turn around and fly back to Bozeman (of all places) and settle into a hotel for another day before trying again to get to my destination. But for that day, Bozeman WAS my destination.”

To be honest at first I was kinda like, “Uh?”.

But then I got it. And I was hit with the truth of his words. And honestly it was at that moment, even before I received word about the position, that I knew. I knew God wasn’t calling me to this new thing. He was calling me to be right where I was. He was calling me to Bozeman.

And as much as I want to fight it, I know what my Bozeman is. My Bozeman is my husband. My kids. My home. My extended family. My friends. My church family. Mainly though my husband and kids and home.

Alot of days I’m ok with that. And alot of days I’m not. Alot of days I’m bored and am itching for God to “use me”. I feel like I have to do something more. Not to mention the fact that I suck at being a mom and I’m sure my kids would be much healthier if they weren’t with me all day.

{I know. More lies.}

So here I am, “stuck” in Bozeman. I don’t know what that means or what Bozeman will look like tomorrow.  And I don’t have my mom and dad to help me navigate these murky waters. And that makes me all the more angry and confused.

For the past two Sundays I have wept through most of the service at church. It’s almost torture to be in the house of God. To have these feelings of inadequacy and confusion and anger and doubt. I almost didn’t go this morning because I knew. I knew I would bawl and look like an idiot. But I also know it was where I was supposed to be. It was my Bozeman.

Of course God spoke. The words He spoke through our Pastor were hard to hear. They were confirmation of the past few weeks and all that I’ve been feeling and hearing and believing. As hard as this journey is I know that God is near. As fragile as my heart and mind and emotions seem to be, I know that God is stronger than all of my frailty.  As confusing as these days are, I know that God is my peace.

He is near. He is strong. He is my peace.

He is my Bozeman.