This morning I crawled out of bed a little early and went on a short walk down our country highway. I turned on the music and the first song that played was Sovereign by Chris Tomlin.
Of course, the words and the message of the song were exactly what I needed to hear.
I find it funny and sad, ironic and just plain weird, that now, more than a year after losing Mom and Dad, that I feel like my faith is more shaken then when we first lost them or the first months following.
I know that so much good has come from their passing.
But there are still so many days that I cry out to God in anger. I question His ways and His timing. Not necessarily their death, but the circumstances surrounding it.
Why didn’t we get to say goodbye?
Why didn’t we get to see them before they passed into the arms of Jesus?
Why didn’t we get to see them after they passed into the arms of Jesus?
Perhaps my faith isn’t shaken though.
Perhaps now, I’m just allowing myself to be honest. To put my questions out there. To honestly cry out to the One who I know is immovable and unshakable and can handle my anger and doubt.
And because of the cries of my heart in recent weeks, I know that this song was not coincidence.
I know that God wanted to tell me something.
He wanted to tell me that yes He is good. And yes He is faithful.
But He is also sovereign.
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
I probably shouldn’t say this, but lately I hate it when I hear or see someone say, “God is good,” or “God is faithful.”
(Which is really dumb that I feel that way because I too say it all the time.)
But when I do hear it, it’s usually when something “good” has happened. And I want to scream, “That’s great! But what happens when something “not good” happens to you or your loved one? Will you still proclaim His goodness?”
I know that it’s unfair to think this way.
Because God is good and He is faithful.
But as I walked this morning and heard God speak to me, it was as if I could sense Him carrying me through this storm.
And He was telling me that today I don’t have to say He is good.
Today, I don’t have to say His is faithful (even though I know and believe that He is.)
Instead, today I can proclaim that He is sovereign.
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All the pieces of my life.
That line struck my heart.
The pieces of my life include so many days of joy and blessing.
But there are also many pieces of heartache.
And through it all, God has proclaimed, “From beginning to the end you can trust Me.”
Despite my questions and anger. Despite my heartache.
Whether it be situations out of my control or ungodly choices I have made.
Despite your questions and anger. Despite your heartache.
Whatever the pieces of your life look like.
God does work everything for good.
Often times not the “good” that we’ve imagined. But still good.
And because of that, I will trust Him.