When you’re not enough

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She’s in her room and I hear her counting to ten.

And then she screams some more.

She’s trying, but her precious little mind is out of control sometimes.

We’ve gone through three bowls of cereal.
She refuses to eat.

Then she decides she’s ready.

And then she thinks of something else that upsets her.
Another bowl goes to waste.

Yes, I know how to deal with eating and not eating issues.
But this isn’t a normal not eating issue.

When she doesn’t eat, she is a monster.
She has to eat.

Every morning is different. I never know what will happen.
Especially with us mostly home during the summer.

It’s been a long, hard summer.

She’s lost so much.
There’s been so much change in the past year.

Grama and Papa gone.
Aunt Nellie farther away.
Uncle Jim and Aunt Leana farther away.
Three moves.

We’ve definitely failed to give her the consistency she needs.
She needs the exact same schedule, every single day.

Thankfully we are home now. For good.

But I still can’t give her the exact same schedule every day.
As much as I try.

One of the reasons why God has told me to release homeschooling.

Why I’m not what she needs.

Adoption attachment and mental illness isn’t talked about much.

Often times it’s only evident at home, around the ones closest to you.

It’s especially not talked about when one is adopted as an infant.

But it’s there.
It’s reality.

Her fears.
Her anxiety.
Her tension.
Her struggle.

Her birth mother had severe mental illnesses.
She was on the strongest of meds throughout the pregnancy.

It’s why this precious angel was in foster care for 5 weeks.
The risks were huge.

But we knew she was our daughter from the second we got the email.

She was, and is, worth the risks.

The love for this little person is so strong.
I feel that my chest will burst with such an overwhelming love.

It’s why it’s so hard when we’re not enough for her.

You want to be everything for your kids.
You want to be their all.

You want to heal their hurts.
Both physical and emotional.
You want to be the one they need.
The one they go to.

But we are not enough.

And so through tears we fall to our knees.

We go to the Only One who can provide all we need.

Who can provide all that they need.

We often fail to show Christ’s love.
But my one and only prayer is that she will see Him.

That she will see that He is there.
That He understands when her parents don’t.
And even when she doesn’t.

That she will see and believe.
He is enough.

“Lord, show us the Father and that will be enough for us.”
John 14:8


{Disclaimer: this post is not implying that treatment is not needed when dealing with mental illness or attachment disorder. God IS the great physician. But sometimes He uses other people and treatments to do the healing.}

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