Things to consider before you get a cat

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A few months ago we went against our policy of “no cats” and brought home not one, but two cats. Outside cats. OUTSIDE cats.

Except that it was 400 below zero at the time and they were just sweet little fuzz ball kittens and it would have been cruel and unusual punishment to make them stay out in the garage or the shop.

I mean look at them…

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[Lord have mercy.]

So we decided that Caleb wasn’t THAT allergic to cats and they could stay in the house until it warmed up.

Turns out it’s never going to warm up and Caleb is in fact THAT allergic to cats. Even though he’s adamant that he’s not…

“Mom. I’m not allergic no more,” he says in between sniffles with red watery eyes.

The cats were then confined to our “extra” room. This is a room that was added on to our house and there is no heat in it, but it’s still warmer than being outside. It’s where we put everything we don’t know what to do with and also everything left over from Mom and Dad’s house. That we don’t really know what to do with, but can’t bare to part with yet.

Turns out even that room was too cold for them. I don’t know who decided this. Ok, it was me. I realized one day that we have a perfectly good old basement that doesn’t get used and the cats can be down there where it’s a little warmer.

This is a very long introduction to this blog post. I’ve written all of the above to tell you that as I was shoveling a boat load of cat crap this morning I realized that no one tells you what it’s really like to have a cat.  Sure they tell you that cats have a mind of their own and all that.  But there is SO much more you need to know about having a cat. And so I’m going to do that for you now. This is all hypothetical of course. Since our lovely cats are lovely and spend all their time in the basement.

10 Things to Consider Before you Get a Cat:

1. Cats are not clean. I’m not sure if I was just given wrong information or if I made an assumption about this. I always thought cats were supposed to be super clean.  They are not. They are gross. They step in their crap.

2. Speaking of crap. Cats crap alot. A. LOT. Another assumption or myth or whatever is that cats don’t need taken care of. This is a lie. Cats need more care than dogs. Dogs go outside to do their business. And sure you need to pick it up if you don’t live on a farm [ok, maybe even if you live on a farm] or if you haven’t had 10 feet of snow throughout the winter. But cats? Cats crap alot. In a little box. And if there’s even a little crap in the little box cats don’t like to crap in the little box. And so they will crap other places. So you are forced to clean out the cat crap every single day. And cat crap stinks.

3. Speaking of stink. Cats stink. Cats have really bad gas.

4. Cats make you swear. For example cats may lay on the top step of the stairs and so when you open the door to go downstairs to do laundry, you may step on that top step while you are holding a laundry basket. You may then step on the cat, almost fall down the stairs, drop your laundry basket down the stairs and maybe, just maybe, say a bad word.

5. Cats do not chase mice. This is another lie that has been told, probably by cats, in an attempt to populate the world with cats. The truth is that cats prefer to sneak out of the basement when their person is carrying a laundry basket, and take naps on small children’s bed. They have no interest in mice. All they care about is sleep.

6. Speaking of sleep, cats care about they themselves sleeping. They do not care about anyone else sleeping. In fact, it is their mission in life to make sure that no one else sleeps. Cats have the ability to create a horrendous sound that sounds like a very annoying cat. And they will make this sound over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.

7. Cats are the most persistent creatures in the entire world.

8.  Cats have the ability to hypnotize children, little red-head girls in particular. Cats will convince little red-headed girls that said little red-headed girls need to be with the cats at all time. This will cause little red-headed girls to ask her parents 586 times a day if she can go talk to and play with and feed and water and hold and check on cats. This will also cause little red-headed girls to ask her parents 587 times a day if the cats can come out of the basement since little red-headed girls’ brothers aren’t really allergic to cats.

9. Cats also have the ability to hypnotize husbands. Cats will convince husbands that they are best friends and that the cats have to be held and cuddled by the husband. This will cause the husband to question the wife as to why the cats have to live in the basement since husband’s son isn’t really allergic to cats.

10. Even after taking into consideration items 1- 9, cats will convince you that they are sweet and lovable and cute, and maybe cats should just be inside cats instead of outside cats and we can just give son Zyrtec every day.

11. [One more.] Cats are evil.

[Just kidding about number 10. The cats are going outside as soon as it warms up. To at least 30. Or maybe 40. We’ll see.]

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